For the first few weeks of quarantine, my friend Lara was delighted that her “babies” had been sent home from college. She enjoyed staying up late talking with her daughter, and she loved cooking her son’s favorite meals. But then weeks turned into months, and while her work continued, her kids’ summer jobs had been canceled or furloughed. As things re-opened, her son and daughter wanted to hang out with friends and sleep the morning away. Now they were finally going back to college, but they would be returning home at Thanksgiving, and staying home until after Christmas. Lara found herself easily irritated and occasionally longing for a return to her empty nest. Like Lara, many parents struggle to navigate the transition back to a full nest. How can we live our faith, hope, and love in this season? Although there are no quick and easy answers, applying four gospel principles will help.

1. Be kind, patient, and gentle (Ephesians 4:2, 32).

Being kind does not mean allowing our kids to do whatever they wish. It does call us to consider that this transition may be harder on our young adult children than it is on us. In the midst of being stuck at home during a global pandemic with serious concerns about their future, the anxiety young adults already feel may be exacerbated. Our kindness, gentleness, and patience can help to ease this anxiety.

Kindness, gentleness, and patience will help us to consider what our adult children are going through in this uncertain time. Young adults who have lived away from home at college or elsewhere have learned to live on their own, to “adult,” as they call it, cooking, paying bills, working, and going to school. Having to return home can jolt them out of the healthy rhythms they may have developed. While we as parents may be tempted to roll our eyes as we consider the so-called “challenge” of enduring homecooked meals and free rent, we need to recognize how much our kids miss the independence they have gained.

2. Be humble and respectful (Ephesians 4:2).

Just as Jesus honored the little children, we can honor our young adult children and the ways God uses them to grow us in grace.  Young adults are going through a normal process psychologists call individuation, learning for themselves and developing their own value systems. When they return home, they may reject some of our values and traditions. If we respond with humility and respect, we can discover what the Lord may be teaching us through them.

A pre-Covid example may help to illustrate. When our older daughter arrived home for fall break her sophomore year of college, she no longer wanted to eat our traditional Sunday night meal of grilled hamburgers and homemade French fries. As an exercise science major, she was studying nutrition and pointed out (politely) that it wasn’t the healthiest meal. While it was tempting to take her rejection of our tradition personally, humility and respect led us to consider her point. Good conversation ensued, and she introduced us to the concept of food deserts, explaining that poor people often struggle to obtain healthy food. If we had demanded that she eat the food we prepared, we might have missed an invitation to know our daughter’s heart for the marginalized and to learn how we could better love the marginalized.

3. Seek wisdom for setting reasonable expectations about potential conflict, and seek to be peacemakers in conflict (James 1:5; Romans 12:10, 18).

When young adult children return to the nest, they may long for the nurture and care they received as children. At first, we may enjoy doing their laundry, cooking all the meals, and shopping for groceries, but that joy can fizzle fast, especially if they are lying around on the couch. After arming ourselves with prayer for wisdom, and with the aim of living peaceably, we can discuss reasonable expectations about household chores, finances, curfews, meals, guests, and other concerns.

Our daughter and her husband, who work in college campus ministry, noted a conflict unique to the coronavirus—concerns about staying-at-home and social distancing. Young adults, by God’s design, enjoy spending time with peers, but parents are concerned about introducing the virus to the household. Complicating matters further, some young adults have returned to a home where parents, grandparents, or siblings are part of the vulnerable population.

Although we as parents have the authority to set the rules, prayerfully listening to our young adult children and respecting their growing wisdom can lead to a more fruitful discussion. We may discover that our young adult children have some creative solutions that address our concerns and allow them to enjoy needed time with friends.

4. Repent and forgive (1 Timothy 1:15-16; Ephesians 4:32).

In the midst of conflict, we can follow the lead of Paul, who identified himself as the “worst of sinners” (1 Timothy 1:16 NIV). As parents, we should always be examining our own hearts, searching for sin and idolatry. As parents, we should also lead in forgiving, “as God in Christ forgave” (Ephesians 4:32).

Lara’s irritation boiled up into anger, and at one point, she launched into a loud and long tirade against her kids. She’s not alone. Despite seeking to be kind, patient, gentle, humble, and wise, we will fail. Conflicts will arise, and we may not handle them well. And yet, even sin and failure can lead to love if we repent and forgive. Lara went to her son and daughter and apologized, asking their forgiveness. The three had a healthy conversation about expectations, and Lara also forgave her children for the way they had failed to respect her. 

When we lead with repentance and forgiveness, our young adult children will notice. Just as they will always remember this season fraught with fear and friction, they will also remember that their parents showed them how to live into the fullness of their faith, hope, and love. Isn’t that the best end-goal for all of us in this season?

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