5 Things Every Daughter Needs from Her Dad

by | Jun 18, 2019 | Gospel living, Parenting

5 Things Every Daughter Needs from Her Dad

Dear Dads: Your Daughter Needs You!

Dear Dads, if you have a daughter, I know it may be hard to figure her out. As a daughter myself, and a mom of daughters, I’ve done some thinking about what a daughter needs from her dad. Please don’t see these suggestions as a “to-do-list.” See it more as an opportunity to become a glorious father. See it as something that will absolutely require dependence on the Savior, lots of prayer, and lots of Holy Spirit wisdom.

5 things every daughter needs from her dad:

  1. Delight in the image of God in her.

Begin at the beginning. From Day 1 of your daughter’s life, see her as the wondrous creation that she is. Tell her that she is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Teach her that she bears God’s glory because she was created in his image and reflects his beauty (Genesis 1:27).

Dads: teach your daughter that God’s blessing and calling was given to both man and woman. #fathersanddaughters #parenting Share on X

Dads: teach your daughter that God’s blessing and mandate was given to man and woman. Explain that being fruitful and multiplying may include bearing children, but it may mean multiplying beauty in the kingdom of God by curing cancer or cleaning schools.

  1. Show her that your approval is not conditional on her performance.

Your approval will matter deeply to your daughter, and it can be a very powerful influence, for good or ill. Nurture her with the hope of the gospel. Show her early and often that while she may be gifted to perform – by making people laugh or by playing Debussy’s Sous La Pluie – it is not her performance that wins God’s love – or yours.

You should know, for her to believe you, you will have to reckon with your own performancism and perfectionism. Daughters have a way of sniffing out disconnects between words and deeds. The good news is, you and she will both grow in your belief in Christ’s sufficiency, and here you will both find the gift of rest.

  1. Delight in her female beauty and sexuality.

That sounds awkward, doesn’t it? But dads need to name this awkwardness and enter into it in order to protect their daughters and help them flourish as God designed them.

In the wake of the #metoo movement, most people know the statistics: at least one out of three women have been sexually abused. Fathers can help change this statistic. Fathers can teach their daughters what it means to have their beauty appreciated but not abused.

First, dads should know they can harm their daughter’s sexuality, by either overt or subtle actions. Here’s what NOT TO DO:

  • Do not fear your daughter’s sexuality: dads can make their daughters feel dangerous and/or disgusting with the comments they make about dating, clothing and/or makeup choices.
  • Do not consume your daughter’s beauty: some dads enjoy the attention they get from their beautiful daughter. A dad feeding off a daughter’s beauty or sexuality can make her believe she is  merely an object to be admired or used.
Learn how a father can cultivate his daughter's beauty. #fathersanddaughters #parenting Share on X

How then does a father cultivate beauty and teach his daughter that she was made to be enjoyed and to enjoy?

  • In the context of living out the gospel in the other ways mentioned in this blog.
  • Complimenting her, yes, but respectfully and appropriately.
  • By speaking to her with respect and kindness when she displays her beauty in a way that seems to you immodest.
  • By honoring her mother (yes, even when divorced) and other women in the way you engage their beauty and sexuality.

  1. Respect your daughter as a woman called by God; be prepared to live the risk of faith.

Allow her to take calculated risks you have considered by prayer and counsel. She will test you: she will want to go on a mission trip to hurricane-ravaged Haiti as a teenager, as our daughters did ;-). Whether it is a mission trip to Haiti, or some other seemingly dangerous dream, your daughter’s calling will demand that you discover how deeply you believe God is her chief protector and not you. The only way through will be on your knees.

  1. Lead authentically with repentance and forgiveness.

In Ephesians, Paul advises fathers, “Do not exasperate your children” (Ephesians 6:4).

Fathers exasperate their children when they fail them but then pretend they've done nothing wrong. #Dadlife Share on X

Here’s the deal, dads. Women feel the effects of the fall in the area of relationship. We long for good relationships, and we also recognize when someone isn’t being authentic. Daughters will know when you’re not being genuine.

This one’s tough. You will probably have to ask forgiveness sometimes, like, when you completely lose your temper because your daughter refuses to quit texting after ten. You will also need to learn from the Prodigal Father to run toward your daughter when she has screwed up and longs for your embrace but doesn’t know how to ask for it.

Fathering daughters is not for the faint of heart; it is a most imperfect science :-)! Take heart, dear dads, for  you have a Heavenly Father who loves you and who will teach you by his Spirit.

A Prayer for Dads of Daughters:

Good, good Father in Heaven, we thank you for the dads you have given to your daughters. Strengthen them with your grace, help them by your Spirit of wisdom and courage, to love these girls so that they may become women who serve you and glorify your holy name. Amen.

Dads: I’d love to hear from you – what’s hardest for you about raising daughters?
Daughters – What did I leave out of this list?

5 Gospel Guidelines for Graduates and their Parents

by | May 21, 2019 | Gospel living, Parenting

5 Gospel Guidelines for Graduates and their Parents

Have you ever noticed the swirl of May??? There is Mother’s Day, yes, but with it, a barrage of events that remind you, not just moms, but kids, and all those who love them—change is coming!

Your five-year-old is graduating from kindergarten—a new story is beginning. If  your senior goes to summer school, they’ll actually put a diploma in that cover they handed her when she strutted successfully across the Civic Center in those stiletto heels.

Pin the Tail on the Donkey and the Disorientation of Graduation

Maybe it’s just because I’m a mom of four children, but May has always been the month of disorientation. It’s like you’ve landed in a four-year-old birthday party, been blindfolded, spun around three to thirty times, armed with a Velcro dart, and shoved off to try to pin the donkey target-tail.

It always seemed a little harsh to me, a bunch of grownups and kids laughing and yelling at the staggering four-year-old as she wandered toward the bushes. (Maybe I’m just more sensitive because spinning nauseates me).

I know a lot of people who feel like that bandana-blinded four-year-old right now. Maybe you are like her, stumbling around, trying to peek through the blindfold without anyone seeing you. Maybe you’re frustrated because your friends are laughing at you instead of offering some helpful direction about where to stick that donkey’s tail so you can collect your fidget-spinner reward.

What is disorientation?

Psychologists and biblical scholars call this experience disorientation. Walter Brueggeman describes the disorientation expressed in the Psalms:

“Human experience includes those dangerous and difficult times of dislocation and disorientation when the sky does fall and the world does come to an end.” Brueggeman, The Psalms and the Life of Faith

Although admittedly on a smaller scale, the end of the school year brings the sky-falling, world-ending events that cause the swirl of disorientation. As endings rush toward us, and new beginnings loom on the horizon, we may feel loss of the past, confusion about the present, and uncertainty or anxiety about the future.

5 ways the gospel helps the disoriented:

  1. Stand still.(Psalm 46:10). Let the equilibrium be restored. The days are flying by, between celebrations and final work to do. Make a quiet place to meditate on Psalm 46, “Be still and know that I am God,” (v. 10). Rest.
  2. Focus on the point.(Hebrews 12:1-3).Once, on a small boat in rough seas, an old seamen told me to keep my eyes focused on the horizon to avoid seasickness. As Christians, our stability comes from focusing on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. Remember that God’s redemptive work in the past will continue into the present. That hope will give you the sea legs to take one step at a time toward the future.The gospel offers courage and hope to slow the spin in this cosmic game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey Share on X
  3. Listen to good counsel. (Proverbs 19:20). Some of those voices in the crowd are actually trying to help you find the donkey tail (probably your mom’s ;-)! Listen carefully for the ones you can trust (including the Spirit’s of course) to give you wise counsel, and take small steps.
  4. Ask for help.(1 Thessalonians 5:17). Ask everyone you know to pray. Write it on your graduation invitation, “No gifts please. Only hourly prayers—for wisdom, sanity, hope, kindness, clarity.” (Okay. I know that’s over-the-top. You could write, “Registered at Target. Please add prayers to any material gifts.”)
  5. Consider your goals—and the reward. (Philippians 3:12-14). Pinning the tail on the donkey might get you some gummi bears, but courageously stepping into the future brings the opportunity to re-evaluate your goals and their rewards. Asking yourself how your next goal fits with your calling to glorify God and enjoy him forever can bring a new level of hope even in uncertainty.

(For more on goals and calling, check here, here, and here.)[Check these links]Help us to stop swirling and staggering bc we’re listening to too many voices and none of them yours. Share on X

A Prayer for the Disoriented

Lord, we confess, our stomachs are sour with our uncertainty and doubt. What we’ve known is ending, and we don’t know if we like what comes next, or maybe we don’t even know what does come next. Help us to stop swirling and staggering because we’re listening to too many voices at once and none of them yours. Give us the guidance we need to go where you would have us go. Help us to take off our blindfolds, read your Word, remember the stories of your faithfulness, and walk in the ways you have carved for us.Help! Still our hearts. Orient us toward your Living Story, the story of redemption and restoration that you’ve written in your kingdom.

Thank you for saving us for yourself. Thank you for peace that surpasses all comprehension. Thank you for your good and perfect will. In the name of our precious Savior, Amen.

Photo Credit: REDD COLUMBIA OF RC CLUSTER pin the tail on the donkey, Flicker Creative Commons

 

5 Quotes for When Parenting Is Hard

by | May 14, 2019 | Gospel living, Marriage, Mother's Day, Parenting

5 Quotes for When Parenting Is Hard

In the third post of our series about mothers, we include mothers and fathers and grandparents.

As we all know, parenting isn’t always cute coos and infant smiles. When the toddler or teenage screams overwhelm you, when parenting is hard, these five quotes from parents and grandparents will encourage you.

Ann Voskamp

I never expected that a mother’s labor and delivery never ends — and you never stop having to remember to breathe.
I didn’t know that taking the path of most resistance often leads to the most reward.
I didn’t know that you kids would birth me deeper into God and I didn’t know that you’d drive me crazy and I didn’t know how you’d drive me to the Cross….
And the Gospel has never stopped being the good news headline that I’ve needed every day because I’ve been the one breaking.

Scotty Smith

Dear heavenly Father, yet again we turn to you as the designer and builder of all things, including the lives of our children and grandchildren. Thank you for reminding us that our children are a gift, not a project.
At times you’ve had to use a gospel wrecking ball on my parenting style in order to build something more lasting and beautiful. That process continues. But even when I’m overbearing or under believing, disengaged or too enmeshed, I am thankful to know that you remain faithful and loving.
Continue to rescue me from relational “laboring in vain” — assuming a burden you never intended parents to bear. Father, only you can reveal the glory and grace of Jesus to our children.

Scott Sauls

It is hard for a controlling type-A to surrender anything, especially the author rights to his own children’s stories.

And yet, if their stories were to unfold in unexpected ways — having dreams go unfulfilled, experiencing loss, being brokenhearted, enduring a spiritual crisis — hope would not be lost, because God would still be in control of things. And it is always better for God to be in control of things than for us to be in control of things.

Dan Allender

Nothing my son or daughters will do can alter the plan and passion of God. There are ultimately no mistakes in life. There are sins and failures, to be sure, but no mistakes. And nothing that is inscribed in the text of one’s life is not ultimately authored by a merciful God….
The collapse of our dreams or their rise, the kindness and fidelity of those we love, are all the scribbling of a genius God.

Judy Douglass

How? For me, this became the question God kept before me: Could I continue to receive this boy as a gift? Slowly the Father opened my eyes and heart to see the many ways God had blessed me.

He drove me into God’s arms….
My heavenly Father welcomed me into his loving arms, captured all my tears, listened to me cry out, yell at him, and beg him. When I was ready to give up, he held me up with his righteous right arm, sharing his strength and courage with me.

He taught me to pray.

I’m a ministry leader. I thought I knew how to pray. But this boy kept me on my knees. Yes, I asked, beseeched, and pleaded. And I lamented. I confessed. I reminded God what his Word said. I thanked. I listened. All of the above, almost all the time.

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A Letter to New Moms: What I Wish I Had Known

by | Apr 30, 2019 | Gospel living, Mother's Day, Parenting

A Letter to New Moms: What I Wish I Had Known

It’s not May yet, but Mother’s Day is in less than two weeks. For the next three weeks, we’re going to talk about moms. But if you’re not a mom, please don’t leave:

  • Consider sharing with young moms this week’s letter (you might find yourself nodding even if you’re an “old mom” like me);
  • Stay tuned for next week when we talk about how (and why) to tell some of your stories from your mother’s point of view
  • Snap up five quotes for when parenting is hard.

For today, enjoy these musings on the struggles and joys of being a new mom:

New Moms May Struggle for Control and Competence

The bad news: Out (or in) comes the baby—out flies control and competence! 

As a new mom, you will quickly realize that you have lost control and perhaps a sense of competence. In your former life as an English teacher, you knew what you were doing, but with childbirth, your life is flooded with uncertainty.

  • That 6 hour epidural-free labor you planned — how about a 33-hour pitocin induction instead?
  • That 2-year-old you thought would never scream in the super market? Just hand over the gummy vitamins!

The good news: Being a new mom will humble you — I mean — flat-out-on-the-floor humble. 

Being a new mom will literally drive you to your knees, and while you’re down there fetching toys or changing a diaper, you might as well pray: A LOT! You will become, ironically, like a child, clinging to your Abba Father for moment-by-moment mercy.

Being a new mom will literally drive you to your knees—and while you're there, you might as well pray! #momlife #motherhood Share on X

New Moms May Struggle with a Sense of Shame and Failure

THE BAD NEWS: Being a new mom is a daily exercise in not-enoughness.

  • When that baby won’t sleep through the night the way What to Expect 21st C. edition promised it would, you might feel that you are flawed.
  • When you start shouting because your teething toddler won’t stop screaming, you will know you are flawed!

THE GOOD NEWS: It is good to know you are not-enough. You never were. Christ is enough, more than enough. The freedom and hope of the gospel is that our love and patience and kindness for our children grows as we enjoy God’s love and patience and kindness toward us.

You will grow in your understanding that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), and you will show your child what she most needs to know: in Christ, there is always hope for repentance and forgiveness; we never have to stay in shame or condemnation!

New Moms Don’t Have the Power to Make the Story Go our Way

THE BAD NEWS:  Your parenting story, your child’s story, like the six-hour epidural-free labor you hoped for, will not often turn out the way you imagined it.

As you learn ever so quickly, even if you do things just right, there are no guarantees that what you do is going to “work.”

  • You nurse every two hours, just as the lactation consultant told you, but your milk still isn’t coming in.
  • You teach that 10-month-old-early-walker the word “no,” and you even try to distract her. She pauses long enough to shoot you a look you will see again when she is a teenager. Then she goes ahead and climbs on the kitchen chair.

THE GOOD NEWS: God is writing a better story than we could ever imagine. He is redeeming our hearts as we let go of control and competence, as we humble ourselves and depend on Him, as we rest in his more-than-enough love for us!

From this old mom to all you new moms, take heart. You will likely struggle with some of these heart issues all of your parenting life, but the good news is that God is making all things new, redeeming our hearts and our children’s hearts through the sorrows and the joys.

A Prayer for New Moms

Lord, we bow before you, the only perfect parent. Wrap us, we pray, in your mothering wings, protecting us and nurturing us, even as we seek to nurture these children you have written into our stories. When we think we can’t change one more dirty diaper today or deal with one more toddler tantrum, give us the strength to endure, and the compassion to love. When we feel like complete failures because our kids are disobeying or not working the plan we had written for the day, help us to know your delight in us and our children. As we try to meet our children’s needs, help us to come to you as your children, knowing that you have called all who are weary and heavy-laden. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

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5 Verses for Meditating on Christ’s Sacrifice for Us

by | Apr 16, 2019 | Bible study, Easter, Lent

5 Verses on Meditating on Christ’s Sacrifice for Us

It’s a crazy story when you think about it—a perfect Savior dies for a people who are, shall we say, less than perfect—or, let’s be honest—just plain sinful? As Easter approaches, take some time to meditate on the surprising sacrifice Christ made for us.

2 Corinthians 5:21

For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

1 John 3:16

This is how we have come to know love: He laid down his life for us. We should also lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

Ephesians 5:2

And walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Romans 3:25

For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood.

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Preparing for Easter: A Lent Encouragement

by | Mar 11, 2019 | Bible study, Easter, Lent, Seasons & Holidays

As we continue to prepare our hearts to celebrate the Resurrection, my friend, writer Suzanne Marshall, author of two studies for Lent, joins us with a guest blog about how to awaken our hearts to Easter. 

As hard as it is to believe, Easter is just around the corner. Spring clothes, baskets and family gatherings come to mind. These colorful scenes, though, are followed by more solemn ones. I stand with the congregation Easter morning, trying to rev my heart  during the alleluias, while deep down I know that I’m not all that joyful and thankful. What happened to my soul’s love?

In Luke 7, we read about Simon, a church leader, who must have allowed his love for God to wane as well. Simon invites Jesus to eat dinner with him at his house, and while the two men recline at the table, a prostitute stands behind Jesus. She clasps an alabaster vial of perfume and weeps. Tears course down her cheeks and fall onto Jesus’ feet. She drops to wipe her tears with her hair, and so moved, she pours the perfume and adds her kisses as she washes his feet. Simon secretly reasons that Jesus couldn’t be a prophet, because he obviously isn’t savvy enough to know that the woman with her hands all over his feet is one of those kind of women.

Jesus knows Simon’s thoughts and leads his host through a parable, to help Simon see himself and the woman more accurately. Jesus’ story unfolds. Two people owed money to a banker. One owed fifty coins and the other owed five hundred. The banker tore up both loans, forgiving the debts.

“So which of them will love him more?” Jesus asks.

“I suppose the one whom he forgave more,” Simon answers (Luke 7:42-43).

Then, turning toward the woman, Jesus says to Simon,

“Do you see this woman? 

I entered your house. You gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.  

You gave me no kiss of greeting, but from the time I entered she has not stopped kissing my feet. 

You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with perfumed oil. 

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which were many, are forgiven, thus she loved much; but the one who is forgiven little loves little” (Luke 7:44-47).

Did you catch that Jesus turns to the woman, not Simon, as he replies to Simon’s answer? Jesus extends love and forgiveness to the woman in his gaze, the same love that liberates her and moves her to adoration. Jesus does not look down at Simon or shake his finger at him but asks if he saw the woman. Does Simon see her as a person, with worth? Does he see her love in action, love given because of love received? Jesus points out what Simon cannot see, that he is sinful and needs forgiveness as much as the prostitute does. The difference between Simon and the woman is that she recognizes her sin, but Simon doesn’t recognize his.

The reason my love lags on Easter is because, like Simon, I have lost sight of the extent of my sin and of God’s astounding love in forgiving and accepting me. How can I recapture my gratitude and celebrate Easter in sincere joy? Like the early fathers and others through the centuries, I can prepare my heart for Easter. I begin weeks in advance, just as I prepare for Christmas during Advent. The season of Easter preparation is called Lent. Many Protestants are returning to Lent, not to earn salvation, but to appreciate salvation.

During Lent, we pray and fast. A fast may be a limitation of food or drink or a giving up of some other daily part of our lives. Some people choose to take up an action instead of abstaining from something. Practicing Lent with these intentions of giving-up or taking-up engages our bodies; in this way, our soul is powerfully awakened to attend. Just as Jesus pointed to the woman’s actions to help Simon recognize his need, our Lord uses our intentions as tools to reveal our need and his fathomless love.

Do you yearn to greet Easter with the joy of first love? Consider engaging in Lent this year. Though the season began last Wednesday, it’s never too late to dive in. Let us sing joyful alleluias to our King.

Note: Four years ago, I sought a Lenten devotional but did not find one that met my needs. The Lord then prompted me to write the lessons He would teach me during Lent. The next year, I combined these lessons into a devotional, Running to the Empty Tomb: Finding the Joy in Easter. Many people who purchased the devotional were unfamiliar with Lent, so I also wrote and led A Bible Study for Your Easter Journey. The study corresponds with the devotional and more fully explains participation in Lent. An Answer Guide with suggested answers to the Bible study may be viewed for free on my website, SuzanneDmarshall.com, under the Publications tab.

Photo by Suzanne Marshall

Begin your study of Lent!