8 Ways to Grieve Canceled Milestones
8 Ways to Grieve Canceled Milestones
I haven’t wanted to write about it, because to write about it would force me to face it. I was supposed to attend four graduations in May, four different children graduating from four different grad school programs. All canceled. Actually, one of those was a senior vocal recital we were to attend in place of the graduation. I’ll be honest. It hurt to cross through those events in my calendar. But as much as it hurt me as a mom, my grief is nothing compared to my children’s. As I thought and prayed about this sadness, I did a little research and came up with eight suggestions for grieving canceled milestones with our children.
We can…
- Process our own emotions about the losses while recognizing that our children’s feelings may be different. As always, it’s good to begin by examining our own hearts (Psalm 139:23). We can spend time praying and journaling about our sadness over these canceled events. We can also process our feelings with a spouse or good friend or leader. If we’ve thought and prayed through our own emotions, we will be less likely to transfer our emotions to our child.
- Help our children name their losses. Instead of trying to brush aside our child’s grief by saying, “Let’s go out for ice cream,” (my personal favorite, as my kids will tell you), or, in other cases, “Let’s buy you a new car”, we can gently invite them to discuss their feelings, knowing they may turn down our invitation. We might try questions like, “What are some of the things you were looking forward to about graduation?” Or, “What canceled events are you missing the most?”
As they answer, we can listen attentively, as attentively as our Lord listens to our sorrows. As we listen, we need to avoid the temptation to “fix.” We can acknowledge that our child’s sadness is legitimate by pointing them to the God who keeps track of all our sorrows (Psalm 56:8).
- Encourage our children to stay connected socially. From the beginning, God created us to be social creatures, connected with one another. Our child may need to be more intentional to enjoy community with their peers—making plans to virtually meet with friends to watch a movie or to have youth group or to play games or to talk one on one. We as parents can encourage them and make opportunities for them to connect with people their own age who are experiencing similar losses.
- Recognize that moving back home is a grieve-worthy transition for our college and graduate students. If our adult child has moved away from home for school, they have begun the process of separating from parents. Now they are expected to acclimate to their home again in the midst of multiple losses. Knowing they are going through a hard transition can help us be more kind and compassionate (Ephesians 4:2).
- Recognize that people process grief differently and allow them to do so. One child may be grieving a canceled soccer tournament more intensely than another child is grieving her high school graduation. We can help by allowing for the differences in the way God created us and the varying maturities of our children. This may be a good time to make our children aware of some of the many lamentations in Scripture (Try Psalm 77 or 69 for starters).
- Thank God for the good things in the present and the future. This is a good season to help our child develop a heart of gratitude in the midst of suffering.We can enter in, not denying or minimizing loss, but helping them to search for the redeeming work God might be doing in the midst of their disappointment. In 2 Corinthians 4, the apostle Paul begins by naming his suffering but ends by celebrating the way his losses are leading more and more people to discover God’s grace and more and more people to thank God for his goodness (2 Cor. 4:15).
- Avoid making promises we can’t keep. We’ve never been more aware of our powerlessness to control circumstances. Even now, as some states re-open, they may end up being closed again. But we can submit our plans to the Lord and pray that he will give us opportunities to celebrate at the right time.
- Help our child plan a virtual celebration they can enjoy now and/or a social celebration they can enjoy later. They may object that “it won’t be the same.” We can acknowledge that reality while emphasizing the importance of marking all of the good that God has done in bringing them to this place (Psalm 145:7).
Dear friends, one thing is for sure—you and your children are not alone in grieving the loss of plans and dreams in this season. Bring that grief to the Lord, and trust him to sow the seeds of your tears and bring a harvest of joy in due time.
I’d love to know what you’re missing these days, or how you’re celebrating canceled milestones. Please share in the comments, or shoot me an email!
