My ambivalence about writing this article
I’ll admit, I almost didn’t share this post this year. I’m inviting you to consider the sometimes triggering question, “How do I prepare my legacy in a way that helps my loved ones after I die?” I considered serving up a cheerier subject. But then I started remembering. I remembered the shock and deep grief I felt after my mother’s unexpected death. I remembered the file folder her friend handed me with the cover sheet, “What to do when I die.” I remembered the organized files that provided a road map for the daunting journey of executing her estate. In the end, I decided to write about the importance of preparing our legacies because I need to remember the impact my own death will have on my loved ones. And my hunch is you do too.
The First January
My mother died of Covid January 12, 2021, eight days after her 83rd birthday, eleven days after a normal New Year’s Day began with her ritual of an hourlong ride on her exercise bike. That first January after her sudden, unexpected, and seemingly unfair death (she was so healthy!), passed in a blur of tears, and, because I was the executor of her estate, daily page-long-to-do-lists. I felt like I was being asked to sail across a wide ocean through thick fog, with limited vision and no clear sense of what lay ahead. And yet, because of my mother’s sharp foresight and excellent planning, that first January without her wasn’t as agonizing as it could have been. In the ensuing months, as I woke daily to a new set of tasks and a fresh set of tears, I was deeply grateful for the time, energy, and effort my mother had invested in creating a clear guide for me.
The Gifts She Gave
1. Clarity and peace before crisis.
I’ll be honest here. I didn’t want to be the executor of my mother’s estate. As you may guess, business and administrative tasks are not normally the strong suit of a theologian and a writer. When my mother told me she had named me as executor and power of attorney, I initially resisted. But as she explained her reasoning and promised she would leave things in order so that I would know exactly what to do, I gradually relented. My mother bolstered my confidence by insisting we meet with her estate lawyer and adding my name to her bank account in case I needed to act as her Durable Power of Attorney. These advance preparations made me feel more ready for a role I felt deeply reticent about fulfilling.
2. Practical help for the season of grief.
My mother, a sharp retired businesswoman, had a number of accounts. Her guide included a list of every account name and number, along with updated passwords and user names for each account. She had also provided information like birthdates, Social Security numbers, and other essential details needed to access such accounts. All of the necessary information was organized in files in a locked filing cabinet. In my grief-muddled state, if I had had to search to find accounts and spend long sessions on hold listening to Muzak while I waited for robots to grant access to these accounts, I think I might have crawled under my dining room table into a huddled mass to be discovered by my husband when he returned home from work!
3. Ways to know and celebrate her life after her death.
My mother filled out a thin booklet called the Obit Kit, which held questions about her life. Reading through it, I laughed aloud as I read that her least favorite subject in school was “P.E., because I got a C and it kept me from getting valedictorian.” In her answers, I could hear my mother’s voice, and I learned things about her I had never known. Additionally, this little booklet, as the name implies, helped me write an obituary that truly honored her and her values. My mom had also taken the time to fill out the funeral wishes form her church provided. Since her church was closed for most of 2021 because of Covid, we had to decide whether to have a funeral almost a year after her death. Knowing her wishes convinced us to make the effort, and the effort blessed us deeply as we remembered the impact of my mother’s life and the hope of heaven.
Now What?
So now, what about us? I know our to-do lists are full of tasks and activities that seem far more urgent than gathering information that will mainly serve others after we’ve died and gone to be with Jesus. I’m telling myself: pick one. One task for the month of January: for me, it might be making sure my husband has the password to my business bank account. For you, it might be something as simple as choosing a password manager and entering five passwords or making an appointment with your lawyer to update your will. I have assigned a date and time on my calendar to do it — I tend to pay attention to my calendar. Then, if I have energy left over, I may assign a few more tasks for other months of the year.
If you decide to do this loving work, pick a plan that fits your time, energy, and story. And don’t forget to pray for help and ask someone else to pray with you (While you’re at it, you can pray for me!) The nature of this work is that as soon as we put it on the calendar, something else will try to shove it off. When you’ve completed that one task, share with someone how great you feel when it’s done. For that matter, come back here and share in the comments! I would love to celebrate these huge accomplishments with you.
If you’ve read this far — thank you for staying with me. I will keep writing about preparing our legacies—because, as you can see, I have deeply benefited from the effort my mother made on behalf of the family she left behind.
Hi! I’m Elizabeth, and I love learning about older adulthood! I’m a writer, speaker, and coach who helps people navigate the issues of aging, caregiving, legacy, grief, and end-of-life. I wrote Preparing for Glory: Biblical Answers to 40 Questions about Living & Dying in Hope of Heaven and several devotionals. Every month, I send out an email with free and paid resources for aging graciously. If you’d like to get this email on the first of the month, sign up here: http://eepurl.com/b__teX.
Prefer to read this via email or in an app? Find this article on Numbering Your Days with Elizabeth Reynolds Turnage.
