13 Ways Churches and Individuals Can Help
Dear Friends,
Co-founder Kelly Markham and I are celebrating the three-year anniversary of the Numbering Your Days Network! This free online community offers gospel-centered encouragement and equipping around challenges of aging, caregiving, legacy, grief, and end-of-life. While we would love for you to join us and enjoy and share resources there, we always encourage in-real-life community as the best community.
Note: This is an updated version of the most-read article here. If you’ve read it before, be sure to at least skim to gain new insights.
The Importance of Visible Community
“Visible community is grace.”[i] As theologian and pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer sat imprisoned by the Nazis during World War II, he penned these poignant words. Face-to-face fellowship is a foretaste of the day when God will “gather us in…for [he] has redeemed us” (Zechariah 10:8-9). As members of the body of Christ, we must see one another, speak to one another, hear one another, and touch one another, because we “belong to one another only through and in Jesus Christ.”[ii] While visible community is essential, it may be harder for older adults to experience. You may have heard that there is an “epidemic of loneliness” in our country, and as with other plagues, this one hits the aging especially hard.
Loneliness in Older Adults: A Real Threat
An older parishioner enlightened Rev. Dr. Eric Partridge about the harsh realities of loneliness. Because the parishioner was active in many ministries, present at most church events, seemed to have many friends, and served others frequently, he assumed she would never feel lonely. One day she confessed, “You know, Eric, I love my life during the day, but when I go home at night, I am achingly lonely.”[iii] Even though this parishioner actively engaged in practices known to prevent loneliness, she still described herself as “achingly lonely” at night. We should consider whether older adults we know might feel “achingly lonely.”
Reasons for Loneliness
Forty-three percent of adults aged 60 and older report feeling lonely; loneliness peaks in those 80 and over.[iv] If we pause to consider our older friends, especially the oldest old, we can easily see the causes of loneliness. The oldest old, those 80 and older, attend funerals with alarming frequency, losing spouse, friends, and family members to death. Many have moved from their homes and neighborhoods either because they could no longer live independently or because living independently required moving closer to family or to an assisted living facility. Further, physical impairments affect their ability to socialize. For Marge, hearing loss made it difficult to participate in her weekly Bible study; for Mike, vision loss made driving to his evening prayer group impossible; for Molly, her need to use a walker made it impossible to reach fellowship events held in the church basement. Even the younger old face loss: retirees lose the built-in social network of their workplace. Those caring for aging parents or a spouse often lose much of their social network because they are attending to the sick.
The Impact of Loneliness
By now, we may have heard or read about the disastrous toll chronic loneliness takes on the mind, body, and spirit. Negative effects include:
• 27 – 50 percent increased risk of developing dementia, depending on the study.[v] [vi]
• increased risk premature mortality, rivaling the impact of smoking and obesity.[vii]
• increased physical pain and reduced immunity.
• increased depression and risk of suicide.
• spiritual disconnect and sense of being separated from God.[viii]
Whether you are caring for an aging parent or an older friend, these statistics should convince you that mitigating loneliness is essential. Let’s consider some of the ways to mitigate loneliness, whether for ourselves or for our friends.
Gospel Hope for Loneliness
Nicholas R. Nicholson, in his “Review of Social Isolation,” observes that “Those frequently attending religious services …have lower mortality rates than those with infrequent attendance.”[ix] Why might that be?
For starters, the gospel has great news to offer the lonely of all ages. Jesus is the “friend of sinners,” (Matthew 11:19), so no one ever needs to be fully alone. Not only that, the gospel also calls us to live in the visible community Bonhoeffer described. Hebrews 10:24-25 exhorts us, “And let us consider together how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Bonhoeffer explains, because the “Christ in my heart is weaker than the Christ in the word of other Christians,”[x] we desperately need to hear our sister in Christ sharing her favorite verse and how it has encouraged her. We desperately need to hear our brother’s confession of irritability and need for prayer. As we remind our dear brother, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1), we too are reminded of the hope we have in Christ. We need to hear the word preached and taught by faithful pastors and ministry leaders.
That being said, there can be a stigma around loneliness in the church. The Rev. Dr. Eric Partridge observes that some churchgoers believe that since we have a “friend in Jesus,” we should never be lonely. Partridge urges us in the church to beware of blaming or shaming people about their loneliness even as we try to come alongside them. He points to Jesus who neither blamed nor shamed the people he healed (See Mt 9:1-4, Jn 4:43-54, Lk 5:17-26, and Mk 5:1-20.).[xi]
13 Ways the Church Can Help
As Partridge asserts, the church has long been a leader in caring for the suffering, visiting shut-ins and the sick. As we become aware of the crushing impact of chronic loneliness, we must find new ways to help the lonely feel seen, known, and loved.
Studies have shown that unhappiness and loneliness increase in those who do not regularly attend religious services,[xii] and based on Bonhoeffer’s words about visible community, we can probably guess why. If church and companionship are essential to addressing the loneliness of older adults, then our churches must think wisely about how to bring this visible community to them. Here are thirteen ways to make sure older adults stay connected to the body of Christ. For each of these ways, if you are the lonely older adult, consider whether or not you could adopt this practice yourself. For example, for the first, “being present at church,” consider what obstacles keep you from attending church and how they could be overcome.
1. Urge people to be present in worship.
Encourage and assist able older adults in staying active and present in church, and model that urgency by staying present yourself.
2. Address transportation needs.
Ensure that every individual who wants to be in worship and other church activities has a way to get there.
3. Visit.
Go to those who are unable to leave home or assisted living, visiting and sharing the means of grace. Some churches have created “Pals” programs that connect older adults with a person who visits and helps them.
4. Invite gratitude.
The Rev. Dr. Eric Partridge experimented with a six-week program he called “The Gratitude Project,” training visitors in how to encourage gratitude in older adults. He found that “in 100% of the senior parishioners, levels of gratitude increased, and levels of loneliness decreased.” He noted his concern that the levels might not be maintained after the project ended.[xiii]
5. Call.
When older adults are unable to receive visitors because of illness and potential for infection, we can call, preferably by video.
6. Write. Write letters, sending Scripture and prayers to those in isolation. Elizabeth Cottrell, author of Heartspoken: How to Write Notes that Connect, Comfort, Encourage, and Inspire, commented, “Several organizations promote letter-writing to the elderly, so if this feels like a ministry to which you’re called, they can match you up with seniors who would love to hear from you:
a. https://loveforourelders.org/
b. https://www.brighten-a-day.org/
c. https://www.lettersagainstisolation.com/
7. Engage older adults with a sense of purpose.
Remind them that “they still bear fruit in old age” (Psalm 92:14), and invite them to be involved in activities that serve others as their abilities allow: cooking, mentoring, praying, writing letters to prisoners and shut-ins, etc.
8. Invite older adults to share their stories.
My research on spiritual legacy and Christian older adults revealed that older adults who can narrate redemptive stories about difficult life events have a greater sense of purpose and meaning and live with more hope. Purpose, meaning, and hope tend to negate loneliness.[xiv]
9. Encourage and sponsor opportunities for vision and hearing tests.
Since limitations on hearing and vision can cause older adults to isolate, consider arranging for local healthcare agents to offer hearing and vision tests at your church.
10. Eat with older adults.
Invite older adults to a meal or bring a meal and dine with them at their home or assisted living facility. Because feasting is a biblical act with great significance, eating together is an essential way to deepen fellowship.
11. Give hugs or hold a hand.
We often forget that older adults who live alone may not experience much physical touch. Studies shown that appropriate physical touch increases a sense of well-being,[xv] and as Christians, we are called to show friendly affection as brothers and sisters in Christ: “Greet one another with a holy kiss” (Romans 16:16).
12. Connect older adults with pets.
As my Aunt Holly commented in a previous version of this article, pets make great companions and give a sense of purpose. Even if an older adult is unable to own a pet, visits from you and your pet could be therapeutic.
13. Offer extra support to the recently bereaved.
We are called to care for widows; doing so means that we will take note of who has recently lost a close friend or family member and make sure we reach out in many of the ways already listed.
Because God has created the church to be a visible community, we must—by the power of the Holy Spirit—think intentionally about the devastating impact of loneliness in older adults. How might you offer the friendship of Jesus today?
Hi! I’m Elizabeth, and I love learning about older adulthood! I’m a writer, speaker, and coach who helps people navigate the issues of aging, caregiving, legacy, grief, and end-of-life. I wrote Preparing for Glory: Biblical Answers to 40 Questions about Living & Dying in Hope of Heaven and several devotionals. Every month, I send out an email with free and paid resources for aging graciously. If you’d like to get this email on the first of the month, sign up here: http://eepurl.com/b__teX.
What are some ways you or others have come alongside older adults or ways people have come alongside you?
Prefer to read this via email or in an app? Find this article on Numbering Your Days with Elizabeth Reynolds Turnage.
[i] Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Life Together and Prayerbook of the Bible: Dietrich Bonhoeffer Works Vol. 5. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2004, 32.
[ii] Bonhoeffer, 32.
[iii] Eric Partridge, “St. Andrew’s Gratitude Project: The Impact of Daily Practices of Gratitude on Feelings of Loneliness,” Consensus: Vol. 42: Iss. 1, Article 6. doi: 10.51644/HMEC8126, Available at: https://scholars.wlu.ca/consensus/vol42/iss1/6
[iv] Nancy J. Donovan and Dan Blazer, “Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults: Review and Commentary of a National Academies Report,” The American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry vol. 28,12 (2020): 1233-1244. doi:10.1016/j.jagp.2020.08.005.
[v] R. Penninkilampi et al., The Association between Social Engagement, Loneliness, and Risk of Dementia: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis, 66, no. 4 (2018): 1619–33, https://doi.org/10.3233/JAD-180439.
[vi] Jisca S. Kuiper, Marij Zuidersma, Richard C. Oude Voshaar, Sytse U. Zuidema, Edwin R. Van Den Heuvel, Ronald P. Stolk, and Nynke Smidt, “Social Relationships and Risk of Dementia: A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis of Longitudinal Cohort Studies, “ Ageing Research Reviews 22 (2015): 39-57.
[vii] Each of the next three impacts can be found in this study: National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine, Division of Behavioral and Social Sciences and Education, Health and Medicine Division, Cognitive, and Sensory Sciences Board on Behavioral, Board on Health Sciences Policy, and Committee on the Health and Medical Dimensions of Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults, Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults: Opportunities for the Health Care System, Washington, DC: National Academies Press, 2020, summary: https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/loneliness-and-social-isolation/loneliness-and-social-isolation-tips-staying-connected
[viii] Partridge, “Gratitude Project,” 1.
[ix] Nicholas R. Nicholson, “A Review of Social Isolation,” at https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Nicholas-Nicholson-4/publication/228330427_A_Review_of_Social_Isolation_An_Important_but_Underassessed_Condition_in_Older_Adults/links/647a41fa2cad460a1bee3dd7/A-Review-of-Social-Isolation-An-Important-but-Underassessed-Condition-in-Older-Adults.pdf.
[x] Bonhoeffer, 32.
[xi] Partridge, 4.
[xii] See Nicholson.
[xiii] Partridge, 11.
[xiv] See my article on The Power of Spiritual Legacy for more on that.
[xv] Francis McGlone et al., “Touch Medicine: Bridging the Gap between Recent Insights from Touch Research and Clinical Medicine and Its Special Significance for the Treatment of Affective Disorders,” Frontiers in Psychiatry 15 (May 2024): 1390673, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1390673.
