As festive lights appear on rooftops and inflatable reindeer prance in neighbors’ yards, I’m reminded that the holidays can bring both joy and sorrow. It’s been almost five years now since my mother died suddenly in the night. When I first wrote this article, my grief was fresh and raw, and I was still grappling in the dark. Many of you have told me these thoughts resonated with you. As we enter another Advent*, I’ve been thinking about how grief always remains until the return of Christ, though the hope of his coming lightens its darkness. I pray these thoughts offer you comfort wherever these days find you.
As we enter the holiday season, I am all too aware that many of you are grieving the loss of a loved one or the loss of health for yourself or a loved one. Others may be grieving the loss of a place you called home for decades or a relationship through estrangement. Four years ago, the first holiday season after my mom had died, I described my grief this way: “I feel a little like I’m in a hotel room groping in the dark to find the light switch. The terrain is unfamiliar, and I’ve already bumped into the desk a few times.”
Whether you have lost a loved one, a home, a relationship, or a pet, or if you have been suddenly thrust into a season of caregiving, the holidays can stir up grief like a windstorm in the desert. Maybe you are not in the storm of grief but know someone who is. Would you share this article with them? When we enter the season aware of the potential struggles, we’re more likely to walk through it with hope and kindness. Here are eight ways I’ve discovered to cope with grief during the holidays.
1. Acknowledge the reality, and accept the normalcy of your grief.
Because so much is flying at us during the holidays, we can forget that we have lost something significant. Then, when we cry messy tears during a cheesy holiday movie or dread decorating the Christmas tree, we are taken by surprise.
Jesus led us in acknowledging his own grief over Lazarus’ death, weeping loudly, even though he knew he was about to raise him from the dead (See John 11). If Jesus grieved, then we are in good company in our grief. Jesus invites us to rest in him in our grief.
2. Don’t compare your grief to another’s.
You might look at me and think, “She just lost her mother five years ago, but I lost my mother sixteen years ago. Why is she writing blogs about grief when all I want to do is sleep?” No matter what you might have learned in high school psychology class, grief experts say there’s no such thing as a clear and orderly five stages of grief. Psychiatrist David P. Feldman comments, “In fact, the actual grief process looks a lot less like a neat set of stages and a lot more like a roller coaster of emotions. Even Kubler-Ross said that grief doesn’t proceed in a linear and predictable fashion, writing toward the end of her career that she regretted her stages had been misunderstood.” (David Feldman, Why the Five Stages of Grief Are Wrong).
God has created each of us with a unique personality and has written each of our stories differently. Rather than comparing our grief journey to another’s, we can trust God to be with us throughout our journey. We can also invite others into our grief, saying something like, “I don’t know why this year is so hard for me. Last year I felt fine, but this year I really miss my husband’s homemade egg nog.”
3. Be intentional about expressing your grief.
In addition to inviting others into our grief, we also may need to explore what we’re feeling. Journaling, talking with a good friend, and praying can help us discover more specific sources of our sorrow. For example, through journaling prayers, I discovered my disappointment that my mom died before she could welcome her first great-grandchild.
Sometimes our family and friends don’t know how to respond to our grief. Thankfully, Scripture gives us models for lament, showing us how to take our grief to God. Over seventy percent of the Psalms are lament Psalms. They generally follow a fourfold structure:
- Turning to God
- Naming your grief to God
- Asking God for help
- Expressing restored confidence in God.
Even when we don’t know what to pray, praying one of the lament Psalms can help us express our grief (See Psalm 3, 6, 22, 28, 31, 44, 56, 57, 71, 77, 86, 88).
4. Consider which holiday traditions you want to preserve, and which to save for another year.
The familiarity of traditions can provide comfort, but at the same time, carrying on a tradition without the loved one’s participation can be painful. Consider which, if any, traditions you’d like to preserve this year, knowing you may do things differently next year. You might also creatively alter traditions. For example, if your husband always put the star on top of the tree, and he is no longer able, consider letting a grandchild do it this year. Or if you don’t feel like attending the local production of the Nutcracker, you might donate money to the dance company in honor of a loved one.
No matter what you decide to do regarding traditions, remember to be patient with yourself, as God is with you. Know that your Heavenly Father isn’t wondering why you didn’t make your famous oyster dressing this year. Know that your Heavenly Father isn’t disappointed in you for skipping the big family Christmas party. Know that your Heavenly Father delights in you and rejoices over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).
5. Seek out doable ways to serve others.
A study by the United Health group “found that most people felt mentally and physically healthier after a volunteer experience, mostly in relation to mood improvement, lower stress levels, and enhanced sense of purpose.” While we don’t want to use serving as a substitute for grieving, and we need to be wary of overwhelming ourselves with others’ pain, some acts of service can help us heal. This may be the year to serve a meal at the local food bank, or it may be the year to call up a lonely friend and invite them out for coffee.
God has designed and called us to “love our neighbor,” “to be fruitful and multiply”; finding bite-sized ways to share his goodness will benefit us and others.
6. Take good care of your health.
Eat well (but not too well). Exercise. Sleep. Yes, Cousin Sally’s “Hot Fudge Brownie Delights” are delicious, and by all means, if your doctor approves, have one. But remember to do everything in moderation, enjoying the food and drink served up at the holidays, but not overindulging. Because walking improves mood and health, make it a regular practice, even if you have to do laps around the living room.
Grief deeply affects the body; in this season, we want to be kinder than ever to the bodies God gave us, nurturing and protecting them as we have been called to do (See 1 Corinthians 10:31).
7. Sing.
Last year when I shared this article, friend and hostess of the Welcome Home Substack, Renée, commented that singing was helpful for her: “Psalms, good hymns, or even just a sing-along with Dolly Parton.” For excellent resources on singing and suffering, see music therapist, Dr. Lauri Hogle’s, column on Singing Christ’s Hope into Suffering.
The Psalms were written to be sung, and many of them feature suffering and grief. In Psalm 59:16 David sings, “But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.” Singing of the Lord’s faithfulness when we are in distress is one way to find comfort.
8. Share your grief.
While this is last, it is definitely not least. Whether with a trained mental health counselor or in a group like GriefShare, reach out to community, especially those equipped to walk with you in your grief. In a recent free webinar in our free Numbering Your Days Network, two LCSWs spoke to us about how speaking and listening to others brings us hope in our sorrow.
Throughout Scripture, grief is described as an act of the community. In Romans 12:15, we are called to “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.” In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, Paul talks about how we are comforted in our sorrow so that we may one day comfort others in their sorrow. If God has designed us to grieve in community and with wise counsel, we must share our grief.
Let’s pray for one another…
Dear friends, as I look back on the years since my first Christmas without my mom, I see how gently the Lord has met me in my grief—through friends and family, through good counseling, and through simple acts like making her oyster dressing. Grief still visits, but it no longer darkens the room.
I will be praying for you as I invite you to pray for me over the coming weeks and months. May the Lord bless us and keep us. May the Lord show us his abundant grace for every moment of grief. May we draw near to him, as he has drawn near to us.
And — if you’re willing to share — what are some ways you’ve found to cope with grief during the holidays? Please share in the comments (someone else might need your idea) or by sending me a message using the Contact form
Do you know someone who might be grieving during the holidays? Please consider sharing this with them if you think it would encourage them.
Hi! I’m Elizabeth, and I love walking alongside older adults! I’m a writer, speaker, and coach who helps people navigate the issues of aging, caregiving, legacy, grief, and end-of-life. I wrote Preparing for Glory: Biblical Answers to 40 Questions about Living & Dying in Hope of Heaven and several devotionals. Every month, I send out an email with free and paid resources for aging graciously. If you’d like to get this email on the first of the month, sign up here: http://eepurl.com/b__teX.
