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5 Things Every Daughter Needs from Her Dad

5 Things Every Daughter Needs from Her Dad

Dear Dads: Your Daughter Needs You!

Dear Dads, if you have a daughter, I know it may be hard to figure her out. As a daughter myself, and a mom of daughters, I’ve done some thinking about what a daughter needs from her dad. Please don’t see these suggestions as a “to-do-list.” See it more as an opportunity to become a glorious father. See it as something that will absolutely require dependence on the Savior, lots of prayer, and lots of Holy Spirit wisdom.

5 things every daughter needs from her dad:

  1. Delight in the image of God in her.

Begin at the beginning. From Day 1 of your daughter’s life, see her as the wondrous creation that she is. Tell her that she is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Teach her that she bears God’s glory because she was created in his image and reflects his beauty (Genesis 1:27).

Dads: teach your daughter that God’s blessing and calling was given to both man and woman. #fathersanddaughters #parenting Click To Tweet

Dads: teach your daughter that God’s blessing and mandate was given to man and woman. Explain that being fruitful and multiplying may include bearing children, but it may mean multiplying beauty in the kingdom of God by curing cancer or cleaning schools.

  1. Show her that your approval is not conditional on her performance.

Your approval will matter deeply to your daughter, and it can be a very powerful influence, for good or ill. Nurture her with the hope of the gospel. Show her early and often that while she may be gifted to perform – by making people laugh or by playing Debussy’s Sous La Pluie – it is not her performance that wins God’s love – or yours.

You should know, for her to believe you, you will have to reckon with your own performancism and perfectionism. Daughters have a way of sniffing out disconnects between words and deeds. The good news is, you and she will both grow in your belief in Christ’s sufficiency, and here you will both find the gift of rest.

  1. Delight in her female beauty and sexuality.

That sounds awkward, doesn’t it? But dads need to name this awkwardness and enter into it in order to protect their daughters and help them flourish as God designed them.

In the wake of the #metoo movement, most people know the statistics: at least one out of three women have been sexually abused. Fathers can help change this statistic. Fathers can teach their daughters what it means to have their beauty appreciated but not abused.

First, dads should know they can harm their daughter’s sexuality, by either overt or subtle actions. Here’s what NOT TO DO:

  • Do not fear your daughter’s sexuality: dads can make their daughters feel dangerous and/or disgusting with the comments they make about dating, clothing and/or makeup choices.
  • Do not consume your daughter’s beauty: some dads enjoy the attention they get from their beautiful daughter. A dad feeding off a daughter’s beauty or sexuality can make her believe she is  merely an object to be admired or used.
Learn how a father can cultivate his daughter's beauty. #fathersanddaughters #parenting Click To Tweet

How then does a father cultivate beauty and teach his daughter that she was made to be enjoyed and to enjoy?

  • In the context of living out the gospel in the other ways mentioned in this blog.
  • Complimenting her, yes, but respectfully and appropriately.
  • By speaking to her with respect and kindness when she displays her beauty in a way that seems to you immodest.
  • By honoring her mother (yes, even when divorced) and other women in the way you engage their beauty and sexuality.
  1. Respect your daughter as a woman called by God; be prepared to live the risk of faith.

Allow her to take calculated risks you have considered by prayer and counsel. She will test you: she will want to go on a mission trip to hurricane-ravaged Haiti as a teenager, as our daughters did ;-). Whether it is a mission trip to Haiti, or some other seemingly dangerous dream, your daughter’s calling will demand that you discover how deeply you believe God is her chief protector and not you. The only way through will be on your knees.

  1. Lead authentically with repentance and forgiveness.

In Ephesians, Paul advises fathers, “Do not exasperate your children” (Ephesians 6:4).

Fathers exasperate their children when they fail them but then pretend they've done nothing wrong. #Dadlife Click To Tweet

Here’s the deal, dads. Women feel the effects of the fall in the area of relationship. We long for good relationships, and we also recognize when someone isn’t being authentic. Daughters will know when you’re not being genuine.

This one’s tough. You will probably have to ask forgiveness sometimes, like, when you completely lose your temper because your daughter refuses to quit texting after ten. You will also need to learn from the Prodigal Father to run toward your daughter when she has screwed up and longs for your embrace but doesn’t know how to ask for it.

Fathering daughters is not for the faint of heart; it is a most imperfect science :-)! Take heart, dear dads, for  you have a Heavenly Father who loves you and who will teach you by his Spirit.

A Prayer for Dads of Daughters:

Good, good Father in Heaven, we thank you for the dads you have given to your daughters. Strengthen them with your grace, help them by your Spirit of wisdom and courage, to love these girls so that they may become women who serve you and glorify your holy name. Amen.

Dads: I’d love to hear from you – what’s hardest for you about raising daughters?
Daughters – What did I leave out of this list?

A New Kind of FOMO

A New Kind of FOMO

A different kind of FOMO

FOMO: Fear of Missing Out, defined by Merriam Webster as the “fear of not being included in something,” is a thing.

Ever since my daughter, counseling student Mary Elizabeth Blake, shared with us the dangers of social media, I’ve been paying more attention to its effects on me. According to psychologists, social media can cause crippling social and psychological problems, including a sense of isolation and loneliness, negative self-image, and jealousy, among many others. Social media also gives rise to FOMO, because people observe others having a great time and believe that they are missing out.

In continuing this month’s theme of freedom, I thought about a new and different kind of FOMO available to us as Christians: the Freedom of Missing Out. This kind of FOMO, which roots itself in our identity in Christ, gives many benefits without all the negative side effects.

With the new FOMO, Freedom of Missing Out, we get to miss out on some of the anxiety caused by traditional FOMO…

Fear of Missing Out stirs up some of the worst toxins in our hearts, the kinds of things Scripture warns us are dangerous to our souls:

Comparison:

What happens in your heart when you see a friend’s Instagram post of her gorgeous self with her gorgeous boyfriend/husband/children in some gorgeous, exotic place? According to psychologists, what happens to many people is they compare themselves negatively to that person and feel less valuable.

What if, instead, we were to “set our minds on the things above” (Col. 3:23) and revisit Genesis 1, that tells us – yes, this means YOU –

You are created in the image of God. You are blessed by God. The Creator of the Universe has given you a task to do – “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge!” (Gen. 1:26-28, The MSG).

Envy

The other thing that happens when we see our friend’s social media post showing off the shiny new car, new shoes, new jewelry, they just acquired, is we start to feel that devilish-est of emotions – envy.

According to 1 Corinthians 13:4, love …does not envy, so when we feel envy, we are murdering love. Envy eats contentment for lunch and tosses the remains in the trash. Because I am so vulnerable to the attack of envy, I am now trying to pay attention to how I respond to others’ good fortune and to be sure to count my own blessings before I start wishing I had others’.

In this new kind of FOMO, we will discover the freedom and joy we have in God and one another Click To Tweet

Things we will NOT miss out on with the new FOMO:

On the other hand, the new kind of FOMO, the Freedom of Missing Out means that we will not miss out on things that are essential to a healthy soul:

We will not miss out on …God:

It occurred to me that we should actually have a healthy fearof missing out on God. Just yesterday I read this verse:

Be still in the presence of the Lord, And wait patiently for him to act. Ps. 37:7

When we enjoy the freedom of missing out on the many allurements social media holds out to us, we discover how our souls prosper and flourish in the presence of the Lord. Before his face, we bask in his delight, his grace, his forgiveness, his plans and purposes for us.

We will not miss out on…

True Community:

Don’t get me wrong – I love my “Facebook community,” but the images and words are no substitute for sitting across the table from a good friend or gathering with a group of friends and strangers alike to celebrate a wedding. Because God made us with bodies, because Christ appeared in the flesh, we must not forsake the joy of being together, face to face.

Dear friends, what would this world become if we lived into this new kind of FOMO, this Freedom of Missing Out and Fear of Missing Out on God and one another??

I just wonder…would psychologists start writing articles about this strange phenomenon of people enjoying new freedom because they have   dared to forfeit opportunities in the world in order to gain their souls? Mark 8:36

A Prayer for the Freedom of Missing Out

Lord, you know how our hearts, how we are so easily tempted to compare ourselves with others, forgetting how expertly you have crafted us. You know our needy, greedy proclivities towards envy, towards wanting things others have while forgetting the many benefits you have bestowed. Help, we cry, help. Help us to satisfy our hearts in you and enjoy the Freedom of Missing Out on cheap substitutes. In Jesus’ more-than-enough name, Amen.

3 More Ways for Weary Moms to Rest

3 More Ways for Weary Moms to Rest

To weary moms, continued…

Last week, I posted the first part of a letter I wrote to any moms wearied by the work of raising children. Today, enjoy part 2!

Dear weary mom, you have permission, in Christ, to stop…

  1. trying to be supermom. God designed us to be interdependent with others. Accept help and ask for it.

Are you trying to nurse a baby, help a first grader with homework, and cook dinner while your husband is sitting on the couch checking email? Ask him for help. It is true — he’s had a long day at work, but you’ve had a long day at work too. These days won’t be this busy FOREVER!! He won’t regret his involvement, and you won’t either.

Your next-door-neighbor loves to stay and watch mini-mite football practice. You have two other drop-offs to make. Why not ask him if he minds driving your son too?

God provides us with rest in the most practical of ways — we are members of a body with different gifts and in different seasons.

  1. saying “yes.” Practice one eloquent way to say “no” to the zillions of requests sent your way:

Someone else will be room mom (or dad), or maybe no one else will step up. The teacher does need help, but you’re caring for your aging grandmother — can you really do both without exhausting yourself?

It will require making some people unhappy (see number 1) and trusting that God will provide a way (Isaiah 43:19), but it will allow you the rest you were made for.

Dear weary mom, you have permission to make people unhappy. Click To Tweet
  • Other things you may pronounce a guilt-free “no” to:
    sending homemade cupcakes to school for your child’s birthday,
  • buying your 16-year-old a new car,
  • and taking responsibility for your child’s failure or sin.
  1. saying “no.” Say yes to more play and rest.

Let’s be honest — it can become a habit, right?

“No, you can’t come in past curfew.”
“No, you can’t eat dessert before dinner.”
“No, you can’t watch Leave it to Beaver before you do your homework (TVLand, anyone:-)?).”
(And yes, when I was a child, I watched Leave it to Beaver every day before I did my homework:-)! (While eating Chips Ahoy cookies and drinking full-tilt Coke!)

Say yes to rest by saying no to one of the 40 volleyball/soccer games your two combined children will compete in. If you’re an introvert, stay home and lie on the couch with a good book; if you’re an extrovert, don a lime green feather boa and go to Chile’s with ten of your closest friends.

3 More Ways for Weary Moms to Rest Click To Tweet

Tell the kids to skip the room cleanup and go out for ice cream. Let them take a sick day – adults get them – why shouldn’t they (I know – because they get school holidays:-) – but still!)? Tell them they can’t dump a bucket of ice on you for a good cause, but you will help them have a bake sale to raise money.

Rest, weary mom, because God created rest and Jesus gives rest.

“ And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done.” Gen. 2:2

Come to him, you weary and heavy-laden mom, and rest, for truly his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

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5 Thoughts for Ambivalent Parents

Ah, finally, a moment to write what I’m living right now —

the final in a series for ambivalent parents (and/or persons) struggling with the chaos of transition!

We’ve talked about the feeling of disorientation and ambivalence that strikes hard and fast, sometimes so dizzying we don’t even know what hit us!

Today — five thoughts on living in God’s story of grace through these seasons:

1. Grieve the loss.

Yes, it is a loss. With two “children” getting married this summer, the most common response I hear is, “Wow! Two in one summer! That’s —.” The second is, “Wow, how exciting!” So far, no one has said to me, “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss.” Yes, that would be weird.

But…it is a time to name that it’s a loss of a way of life and a leaving their first loyalty to you.

2. Remember that leaving is exactly what you wanted them to do. It is part of the greater process of them learning to depend completely on God.

The day we left our oldest daughter at a college 8 hours away from us was hard. Watching her grow and mature and meet forever friends and learn to do life on her own has been thrilling.

I still forget at times that, as she repeatedly says, (jokingly:-)???!!!) when she’s home, “No one can tell me what to do! (Note, she’s mocking her 4-year-old self when she does that. But I’m pretty sure there’s a message in there for me and her Dad:-)!

3. Speaking of their leaving, recognize where you may have become overly dependent on them for your happiness, identity, or security.

I love our younger daughter’s fiancé, and I love how they enjoy hanging out together. But honestly, sometimes I miss my buddy who was ready to go get a pedicure with me at a moment’s notice:-)!

When our fourth graduated from high school and went off to college, it took me a little time to get used to not being “anyone’s mom” — as in, “Hi, I’m Robert’s mom…” or having school events to attend.

Name the loss (see number one above) and cling to God. He will meet you in loneliness and confusion, reminding you that you are his beloved child.

4. Smash the idol of perfection. There is no right way to do parenting in transition — except by prayer and strong support of wise friends.

Early in the process of having one child engaged, then another, I complained to a dear friend, “I just don’t know how to do this. I need a book to read on ‘how to do engagement as a mom.’”

She so kindly and sagely remarked, “What if it’s not about doing it right? What if it’s about doing it well?”

What she meant was that this isn’t a “by-the-book” thing. Sure, there are books for M-O-B’s and M-O-G’s (no, I didn’t know what that stood for either until I became one — Mother of Bride (Groom);-), but the only book that helps you know how to let go and name loss and mess up and know you’re forgiven is the Story of Grace the Bible tells.

Every night I have a new wedding anxiety dream (I should start a twitter account on this:-)

Last night I dreamed that the florist didn’t show up for my daughter’s wedding and that she was wearing a giant plant on her head (she hopes to wear a crown of greenery and flowers:-).

Then I dreamed that a huge box of rehearsal dinner invitations arrived and as my future d-i-l and I looked at them, they were in fact “Welcome” letters for my daughter’s wedding!!!

The truth is about weddings — the hardest struggles are the relational ones. The only way to do it well is by the grace of the merciful, ever-loving God.

5. Finally, even though I actually have more (email me if you want to hear them:-), Rest and pray.

You will see those humongous lists in Bed, Bath, & Beyond of all the things your graduate will need in his dorm room. Forget it. You’ll never get it all. The work to “be ready” will never be completely done. Even when you think it is, you will have missed some things.

Learn to say “no,” and learn to lie down on the couch. And pray.

Pray in the morning, pray in the night, pray in the noonday. He is listening. He knows. He cares. He is your center and will re-orient you to what is essential — giving and receiving love as Christ our Savior did. The pressure’s off.

What about you? What transitions have you struggled with? Have any of these suggestions helped you? What others would you suggest?

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Parenting, Prayers, Productivity, and Really Good Stories

Every now and then, I go back to the archives and find something really fascinating that’s worth sharing again. This story from 2012 surprised me, and I’ll explain why at the end. 

At about 7:15 this morning, I prayed a very specific prayer. I asked God for a productive two and a half hours before a slew of appointments began. In my mind, this productivity would include trashing old files consuming space on my computer and trying to make my Dragon dictation program work. Once I did those things, I planned to compose my Friday blog.

You may guess what’s coming. It seemed that God had a different productivity plan for me. Around 7:30, our youngest son sat down with me at the breakfast table and showed me this wonderful Keynote presentation he had composed on his iPad. Various group members had sent articles, media, statistics, and cartoons to show that happiness level does not depend on material wealth. The presentation was intriguing and beautifully displayed.

But then — IT DISAPPEARED! I must have touched something that closed the file, but the problem was it wouldn’t open again. Being the responsible student he is, Robert had saved the file to iCloud, and indeed the copy was there. However, in the maddening manner of the “Imonster,” neither copy would open. As tension escalated, I sent him off to school, promising to research and try to resolve the problem. Two hours and many deep breaths later, the cover photo of the file still beckons, welcoming the viewer, but refusing to deliver.

I have some questions: is this God’s idea of productivity? Is parenting productive? What will be the yield of these two hours?

I’ve been a parent long enough to know the answers to these questions. Lost/corrupted-file-experiences have a way of sticking like a bright yellow post-it note in the mind’s eye. People who feverishly labor to help recover those files are agents of hope partnering with us in the search and destroy mission against decay.

Let productivity perish; I believe this’ll make a really good story one day.

And that is where the story I wrote in 2012 ends. Obviously, I was running short on time. And in those days, with four children, two still at home, especially in the month of May, following up on blog posts was not my strong point.

But now, three years later, I can add a little ending, which might encourage parents and others interrupted in their plans for productivity.

I don’t remember what happened. Honestly, I didn’t remember the story at all until I read it. But on May 25, 2012, it seemed to me like a really terrible, horrible no-good, very bad parenting day.

So now, in 2015, I texted my son (who did, by the way, get in to college, despite his crashed Keynote presentation:-)!  to see if he remembers the incident:

Thankfully, he didn't even remember it the same way!

Thankfully, he didn’t even remember it the same way!

Please note: I thought it was my fault. He did not. That should also be instructive to me regarding some of my parenting guilt! Neither of us can remember if the file was recovered, but my instinct is that he just re-did it.

Finally, the coach in me needs to point something out. Has your plan for productivity ever been superseded by God’s plan for growth? Productivity is important and good. But have you ever noticed how God’s plans so often supersede ours? I’m just not always sure about the value he places on productivity:-)! Or, could it just be, that his idea of what is productive has more to do with our growing in grace than our growing in accomplishments?

What do you think? How have you seen growth in days or times when you were seemingly most unproductive?

What does this story suggest to you about some of your apparent parenting “fails”?

 

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