by Elizabeth | Oct 11, 2016 | Parenting
5 Struggles Moms in Every Season Face
Stories change but Moms struggle in every season
Last week, I wrote about how God may have different plans for parents than we have. This week I want to discuss some of the struggles moms face. Let’s start with a little story.
The young mother fretted. She had to leave town for the day — what if one of her children got sick and needed to come home? What if she did not get back in time? What if…
The seasoned teacher, a mom of three grown children, reassured her that her children would be well-cared for no matter what happened.
The young mom said, “I know I’m being silly. I guess you don’t worry anymore now that your kids are grown.”
“Oh yes, I still worry,” the teacher responded. “I’ve just learned to pray more.”
This story made me think. Our children grow older and circumstances change, but many of the emotional challenges of motherhood remain the same.
Top 5 Mom Struggles
Having raised 4 children to the ages of 27 to 21 and added two by marriage, and having known countless moms along the way, I’ll suggest the following as the top 5 mom struggles.
1. Fear or uncertainty about letting kids go/sending them into the unknown.
- Whether you are taking your baby to the church nursery for the first time or moving an 18-year-old into the dorm at college, you will likely experience varying degrees of trepidation.
- Whether you’re helping your daughter select her first prom dress or searching for her wedding dress, you may be feeling a little uncertain about her moving into this next phase of life.
2. Powerlessness to make your child do what you think you want them to do.
Sometimes we want our kids to do things that are good for them; others we want them to do things that fill our needs. The struggle begins when they absolutely refuse to “sleep through the night,” whatever that is and continues on into their…
- refusal to eat kale (but who can blame them, really?).
- complete apathy about doing math homework.
- desire to play football when you want them to run track.
- choice to move to Boston when you want them to live next door.
3. Guilt over failing them in some way.
A mom’s opportunities and inclination to experience guilt begin before birth and continue well into adulthood. You can feel guilty about…
- not playing classical music for them when they’re in the womb.
- being the only mom in the entire history of the pre-school to send black-and-orange Oreos for snack day in October.
- screwing up your child’s life by sending those Oreos to said pre-school.
- leaving them when you should have stayed.
- losing your temper with them.
- being overprotective or overbearing because of feeling fear, uncertainty, or powerlessness (see 1 and 2).
4. Feeling unwanted or unneeded.
It feels great when your toddler ties his shoes for the first time (or is that velcro’s?), but later their lack of need or desire for us can hurt. One day…
- your first grader may ask you not to drive on the field trip.
- your freshman may tell you to quit watching soccer practice when you come to pick her up.
- your teenager may tell you you are ruining his life and post a large KEEP OUT sign on his door.
- your adult children may not call for weeks because they’re just so busy with work and the kids. (Or, because they’ve never forgiven you for the Oreo incident:-).
5. Feeling sorrow and helplessness over the suffering they experience.
This can take all forms, from mild sadness to deep agony..
- babies receiving their first shots; ten-year-olds battling leukemia
- children suffering rejection from classmates on the playground; young adults staying alone in their apartment because everyone else just wants to do the bar scene on Friday night.
- daughters being stood up by their prom dates; sons being cheated on by their wives.
There is hope for mom struggles….
But wait!! As the story about the teacher and the mom suggests, there is hope! Though the emotional struggles may not disappear, we will grow more into the likeness of Christ day by day (Eph 4:15).
Rest comes for our minds and hearts when we…
- “pray more” as the wise teacher said and remember that God, the compassionate Parent, cares for our children and for us.
- remember and rehearse the biblical stories of redemption — God rescuing his people out of slavery, Jesus healing the sick, raising the dead, and liberating the captives — including us. When we seek God’s rescue stories in our lives and in our children’s, our faith grows.
- recognize that these struggles expose our tendency to make our sense of life and happiness dependent on our children. God is always weaning us from making our children the god we worship.
- envision often the day when all will be well. Jesus will return; God will be with his people — children and parents. All sorrow and guilt and loneliness and worry will subside in the glorious fullness of God’s redemption.
Wherever you are on your journey of motherhood, be encouraged — the Author God really is writing a good story today!
What emotional struggles would you add to this list? How have you seen any of these struggles at different seasons of motherhood?
Do you know a mom who needs to hear this encouragement? Don’t forget to share!
by Elizabeth | Oct 27, 2015 | A Woman's Story, Parenting
For Moms Who Wish They Were God
Some days, as a mom, I wish I were God…
- To know what God knows.
- To have the certainty God has.
- To be in total control of the cosmos.
- To have the power to bring justice.
Even as I write those words, I know how short I fall of the God who knows the plans he has for us, executes them with all loving wisdom, reigns with grace over the very universe he created, and uses his power to love unlovely people. I don’t really want to be God.
What I really want is to be Queen of My Own Mommy Universe.
- I want to know which program will get my babies to sleep through the night in 5 weeks or less. I want to know how to get them to “Just say no to drugs.”
- I want to be certain that sending them to Greenwood Prep Pre-K instead of Learning Barn is going to produce the stellar student I’ve always assumed I’d have.
- I want to control their lives’ outcome. When they have sniffles, I want them to be well enough to attend school. When they have threatening health issues, I want them to be cured – yesterday, but I’d really rather they not have those at all.
- Finally, I want the power to bring justice (or is that vengeance?) to anyone who does them harm…Unjust teachers…watch out for the well-written nasty note. Best friends turned bullies – Beware my smiting eyes when I see you at the junior high football game.
The truth is I’m a terrible Queen of My Own Mommy Universe because…
sin clouds my vision for my children.
fear makes me want to keep them close, to protect them (and me) from all suffering.
selfishness shuts down my capacity to write larger stories for them, stories that would require them to depend on God.
Oh, who will rescue me from this body of sin and death?
Thanks be to God, THE GOD! He has rescued me and all mothers like myself! He has reminded us that He has written a much wilder story for us and for our children….
But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
2 When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:1-3
A Prayer for Moms Who Want to Be God
Lord, thank you for being God, THE GOD, the loving, saving, faithful, all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present God. Thank you for showing us our folly when we think we want to take your place and run the universe in a way that seems more to our liking. Thank you for the peace that comes from what we do know – that you are making all things well for your children in your time.
In the name of our Precious Savior, Jesus,
So Very Amen
by Elizabeth | Feb 2, 2015 | Learning Story
Every now and then, I go back to the archives and find something really fascinating that’s worth sharing again. This story from 2012 surprised me, and I’ll explain why at the end.
At about 7:15 this morning, I prayed a very specific prayer. I asked God for a productive two and a half hours before a slew of appointments began. In my mind, this productivity would include trashing old files consuming space on my computer and trying to make my Dragon dictation program work. Once I did those things, I planned to compose my Friday blog.
You may guess what’s coming. It seemed that God had a different productivity plan for me. Around 7:30, our youngest son sat down with me at the breakfast table and showed me this wonderful Keynote presentation he had composed on his iPad. Various group members had sent articles, media, statistics, and cartoons to show that happiness level does not depend on material wealth. The presentation was intriguing and beautifully displayed.
But then — IT DISAPPEARED! I must have touched something that closed the file, but the problem was it wouldn’t open again. Being the responsible student he is, Robert had saved the file to iCloud, and indeed the copy was there. However, in the maddening manner of the “Imonster,” neither copy would open. As tension escalated, I sent him off to school, promising to research and try to resolve the problem. Two hours and many deep breaths later, the cover photo of the file still beckons, welcoming the viewer, but refusing to deliver.
I have some questions: is this God’s idea of productivity? Is parenting productive? What will be the yield of these two hours?
I’ve been a parent long enough to know the answers to these questions. Lost/corrupted-file-experiences have a way of sticking like a bright yellow post-it note in the mind’s eye. People who feverishly labor to help recover those files are agents of hope partnering with us in the search and destroy mission against decay.
Let productivity perish; I believe this’ll make a really good story one day.
And that is where the story I wrote in 2012 ends. Obviously, I was running short on time. And in those days, with four children, two still at home, especially in the month of May, following up on blog posts was not my strong point.
But now, three years later, I can add a little ending, which might encourage parents and others interrupted in their plans for productivity.
I don’t remember what happened. Honestly, I didn’t remember the story at all until I read it. But on May 25, 2012, it seemed to me like a really terrible, horrible no-good, very bad parenting day.
So now, in 2015, I texted my son (who did, by the way, get in to college, despite his crashed Keynote presentation:-)! to see if he remembers the incident:
Thankfully, he didn’t even remember it the same way!
Please note: I thought it was my fault. He did not. That should also be instructive to me regarding some of my parenting guilt! Neither of us can remember if the file was recovered, but my instinct is that he just re-did it.
Finally, the coach in me needs to point something out. Has your plan for productivity ever been superseded by God’s plan for growth? Productivity is important and good. But have you ever noticed how God’s plans so often supersede ours? I’m just not always sure about the value he places on productivity:-)! Or, could it just be, that his idea of what is productive has more to do with our growing in grace than our growing in accomplishments?
What do you think? How have you seen growth in days or times when you were seemingly most unproductive?
What does this story suggest to you about some of your apparent parenting “fails”?
by Elizabeth | Nov 13, 2014 | Learning Story
This is an update from 2004, because we still need good news for guilty parents!!
First of all, I don’t know why the new issue of Parenting Magazine seems to show up in my mailbox once a month. I suspect there is a mom out there who has judged me the worst mother in the state of Florida and has taken me on as a mercy ministry. She probably sponsored my subscription hoping the articles will help me.
But I don’t read it.
I make it a practice to throw it in the recycling bin along with the other 90 percent of the mail that lands there. This time, though, I had grabbed the mail on the way to wait for a child, and since there was nothing else decent in the mailbox, I had kept it in the car.
Then, on the way to school this morning, one of the headers on the front cover caught my eye:
5 Things Moms Don’t Have to Feel Guilty About
ONLY FIVE? (I have recently prided myself on upping the number on my list to 7 and a half.) I couldn’t wait to see which ones this author had discovered.
But at this point I was driving so I asked my 11-year-old to find the article.
While she looked, I mused, “Why isn’t it 5 things Moms and Dads no longer have to feel guilty about? Is it because Dads should not feel guilty about them, or because they would never bother to feel guilty about them?”
The list deeply disappointed. I wouldn’t have felt guilty about the mothering failures she described:
…either because I would never have done them – oohh…mothering righteousness!
…or because I don’t find them worth my shame…
…or because I had long ago gotten over feeling guilty about them (well, for the most part).
But since you are probably dying to know, here they are
- bribing your kids;
- having a messy house;
- ignoring your kids;
- letting your kids watch videos;
- not having family dinners…
Okay, I confess. I would feel guilty about some of those things. But by that point I had realized — and you probably know this too —
Guilt, whether over things we shouldn’t feel guilty about — or over sins we truly should…
IS SUCH AN ENERGY-SUCKER.
And, as I’ve written so many times here before, because it’s the only life-giving parenting “TIP” I know that truly “works” on mom-guilt…
The good news of the gospel is that Jesus Christ died for the real guilt and shame we experience over our true failures as moms (and Dads). Real mom’s liberation comes from knowing the hope of forgiveness and renewal…
- when I have ignored my children because I’d rather scroll through my friend’s Facebook feed,
- or bribed my kids because I’d rather they like me than suffer the conflict of requiring them to do something they should do (like put down the candy in the grocery aisle),
- or — something not on her list — treated them like fools by yelling “WHO DOES THAT” when they fingerpaint on paper laid over carpet…
So, here’s the real reason you and I don’t need to feel guilty about that list in Parenting Magazine — Christ has already died for it. He beckons us to come to him, to lay our sins upon his shoulders and to remember the righteousness and hope for change we have in him.
Want more good news about liberation from parenting guilt? Try these articles!
Elizabeth Turnage, not the perfect mom, and still the guilt-tripping mom, but ever becoming more freed from myths and traps, works with parents as a life coach.
by Elizabeth | Sep 8, 2014 | Learning Story
“He who began a good work in you…
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
This is a reprinted story with an update — because the gospel never changes…
When I was a younger mom of younger kids, I used to think if I got them to 18, I was done.
Pause for huge guffaws of laughter from other parents who always knew differently. Even before my oldest son turned 18, it had become apparent to me that the knotted tangle of love, hope, admiration, sometimes-fury, and occasional pain that describes my mother’s heart will be with me for life.
Today, my eldest son turns 21. By now no doubt lingers about how long I will be a Mom. Even though yesterday as he was packing to return to college he casually mentioned, “This may be my last summer living at home.” (Wait, how did that happen? He’s only a rising junior — yes, senior by hours, but I thought he was going to prolong it for at least another football season?)
Clearly, I could ramble along in my ambivalence for too many paragraphs, but let me reach the point.
The verse that began this post was my son’s verse. It became his verse when I was going on two weeks overdue in a hot Atlanta August, turgidly, miserably, pregnant, thinking I would lose my mind if one more person called me to see “if the baby had come yet.” At that time, a Steve Green song was popular in Christian circles: “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it…” I began to listen to it over and over, and took it quite literally. I “psalmed” it, that is, I screamed out to God, “Okay, Lord, you began this GOOD WORK in me, and you said you would be faithful to complete it!” Any time now would be fine with me.
It was a few more days, fully two weeks late before the doctors agreed to do a pitocin induction. And then another 33 hours. But my son doesn’t want me to get into my travails in bringing him into the world. He’s heard it all.
That verse has served us BOTH well over the years. Since he is the firstborn son, I am pretty sure my chief sinner status has chiefly landed on him in my parenting. How many times over the years have I needed to recall, “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus?” I used to think it was just about him — “Yes, God will grow my son up…” Then I realized the verse was for ME. Or perhaps both of us. Or, more likely, for all of us.
Addendum: That son is now 25. I can now see that the good work God began was not simply his conception, and its completion was not his long-awaited appearance in flesh:-)!
God had great works for my son’s good and His glory to do. He is a young man complete in Christ, at peace in the knowledge of who he is. He is a young man restless and determined, being constantly refined and matured by the sanctifying work of the Spirit.
We have four children now, aged 25-19. Now I can see how God has faithfully redeemed me, liberating me by his grace to offer good gifts to our children:
After 25 years of motherhood,
- I am slightly more likely to clean up the kitchen alone without killing the atmosphere with malodorous martyrdom.
- I now hold the reins of control over my children’s lives a little more loosely (that’s a little easier when you don’t have much choice:-).
- And I am entirely free from flying into a rage over lost cleats 🙂 (true, only b/c we don’t fight that battle anymore:-) – but I’m hopeful for not doing that with grandchildren!)
Parenting is a long journey — a lifelong one as it turns out. I’d love to hear from you. In what ways does Philippians 1:6 encourage you? What stories do you have of the maturing work God has done in you or your children along the way?
